Friday, October 8, 2010

Ambiguously Gendered Kitten Takes Own Life Following BKP's Conference Talk

Albuquerque New Mexico, October 5, 2010 by Insana Dee

In the wake of an incendiary talk by Latter Day Saint second in command General Authority Boyd K. Packer a fluffy kitten has violently ended its life by strangulation with a fuzzy springy cat toy on the end of a stick. In letters spelled in paw print (an ancient Reformed Egyptian language perfected in the Clovis era) the kitten described the shame and pain it felt when recently outed by Boyd K. Packer in his controversial talk.

Boyd K Packer said: "Years ago I visited a school in Albuquerque. The teacher told me about a youngster that bought a kitten to class. She had him hold up the kitten in front of the children. It went well until one of the children asked, “Is it a boy kitty or a girl kitty?” Not wanting to get into that lesson, the teacher said, “It doesn’t matter, it’s just a kitty.” But the persisted. Finally one boy raised his hand and said, “I know how you can tell.” Resigned to face it, the teacher said, “How can you tell?” “You can vote on it.”"

The kittens name has not been released pending notification of close relatives but those closest to the kitten have come out in protest against the church leader. One young first grade child at "Our Lady of Perpetual Grief" Catholic School where the kitten was recently an honored guest at show and tell said, "Boyd K. Packer is a filthy rat bastard and I hope he rots in Hell for what he did to XXXX (name withheld)". It seems a general attitude among many who heard the words of this powerful leader in the LDS community.
An investigation is underway to see if Boyd K. Packer made any unwanted or illicit gestures and sexual advancements toward the kitten. He is currently under investigation in several Western States for exposing himself as a complete douche bag.

We will report more information as this story unfolds. Contributions for the ambiguous kitten rescue fund can be made to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah.


Donna Banta said...

I must say I'm suspicious -- exactly who translated the paw print?

Insana D said...

Well Donna, through the miracle of personal revelation I have been inspired to reveal that Reformed Egyptian in Kitty heiroglyphics was made available to all when they turned the Rosetta Stone over and saw the comparisons on the back side. It was simple really and now we can confirm the note in Arabic, in Jewish-ish, and Greek-ish.

The paw print note was brief. It said, "Hey hey, Old Boyd K., Gay is in the DNA, You can't pray the gay away, It's ok to just be Gay.

It has been suggested by those in the ambiguous gender kitty outreach groups that this will become Kitty's epitath and will be engraved on a carpeted cat tree and placed lovingly at the site of the suicide in memoriam of the sweet young life of this precious being.

Donna Banta said...

OK, so long as it wasn't translated at BYU, and there were no peep stones involved.

Flat said...

To all those who have followed this very sad story and wondered about eternal consequences associated with this story, I offer the following information:

The Moron Church of Latter-day Saints has performed sacred temple work for the unnamed kitty to insure that the kitty will have a pleasant afterlife in kitty heaven. Because the Moron Church of Latter-day Saints believes all should have an opportunity for eternal service, we have also performed additional sacred temple ordinances on behalf of Boyd K. Packer and are pleased to announced that Elder Packer will also go to kitty heaven, where he will serve as kitty litter for eternity.

Insana D said...

Thankyou Flat (the artist formerly known as Flatlander). I was wondering how we could restore the blessings of said kitty but you have magnanamously done all that and more. By relegating Mr. Packer to serve as a sort of Administering Angel in kitty heaven you have brought to pass the true justice and irony of the eternal life of kitty. Your work gives me great hope. May the Great Pumpkin or FSM or the flying teapot bless you in your spiritual endeavors.

P.S. I miss you.

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