Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mormonism Tastes Like A Processed Meat Like Substance- A Poem By my friend

Mormonism tastes like Spam.
Frankly I don’t give a damn
Whether it is testified
Lightened, whitened, fixified.
I do not like that Joseph Smith.
I do not like the Mormon Myth.





You will like it, you will see:
Fill your bowels with charity.
Read the scriptures every day,
Fast, pay tithing, always pray.
Then you cannot help but know.
A still small voice will tell you so.




God must not have heard my prayer.
Or if he did, he didn't care.
I didn't hear him on my knees.
I didn't feel him in the breeze.
In darkest nights, no inner lights,
No rescues by the three Nephites.
I could not trust that Joseph Smith.
I would not buy the Mormon Myth.

They told me that I never tried.
God's non-response was justified.
I wasn't pure. I wasn't good.
I didn't do the things I should.
If I were worthy, then I'd see:
The Holy Ghost would comfort me.


God loves the soul who contemplates,
Unless, of course, he masturbates,
Or puts weird colors in his hair
Or balks at holy underwear,
Or kids who fib or laugh too loud,
Or sometimes want to join the crowd,
Or girls who show their midriff skin
And cause Aaronic priesthood sin.

Sometimes God gets kind of pissy
At the independent missy
Who speaks her mind and doesn’t find
A testimony meeting blissy.

God loves meek, he loves the mild.
The ones who trust just like a child
And give their pennies, pay their tithes,
Let the prophets take their wives.
God loves everyone, we’re told,
Unless they will not fit the mold.


Praise to Joseph in the grove,
Searching for the treasure trove.
Put his face down in the hat,
(Who the hell came up with that?)
In the eerie seer stone light,
Words came floating into sight,
Nephite testimony bearers
Quoting later King James errors.


Disregard all other views.
Sit your asses in the pews.
Pray some, say some, pay some more.
Claim to love the three-hour bore.
Follow those who chat with God.
Firmly grasp the iron rod.


What the fuck? That isn’t right.
I prayed with all my heart and might,
Repented fast and fasted slow,
Begging God to let me know.
Finally I’ve come around,
Standing back on solid ground:
I do not like that Joseph Smith.
I do not like the Mormon myth.

12 comments:

kcshebrat81 said...

OMG I LOVE THIS! I am laughing so hard I have tears!

Donna Banta said...

Hilarious. No matter how you slice it, it's still Spam, and I'm not eating it. (Unless it's at the Spam Festival in Austin.) It hurts to see the poor kid in the pew, and yeah, who the hell did come up with the hat? Well done. I finally got around to adding you to my blogroll. Don't know why I didn't sooner. Keep writing!

Insana D said...

I enjoyed reading yours and getting caught up on all the shennigans of the singles activities. Eff you in oreos does sound like sweet revenge.

I have some fun stuff to add to the end of my book and as soon as the garden season winds down I'll be giving it my full attention.

Flat said...

This is excellent. Thank you for sharing. I think this captures what many of us feel.

Hiker said...

Man at table: But what if I order the spam and eggs and hold the spam?
Server: It wouldn't be spam and eggs now would it? You can't eat anything unless you eat the spam.

Spam is a brilliant metaphor.

Ahab said...

:: applauds ::

Great poem! Like your friend, I too have little appetite for spam OR organized religion. Now if I could just think up a Monty Python joke about all of this...

Insana D said...

It is a great poem. My friend that wrote this has gotten an ugly backlash from his own family for daring to write something as simple as "Mormonism tastes like spam". The irony is that their disapproval proves how bland and processed the average LDS person becomes after being institutionalized by the culture and doctrine.

I had to remove his name from the poem because he was uncomfortable with a google search showing him connected to his brilliant work. I feel so sad for so many who are sequestered by the church and their silence extorted by such an oppressive culture.

Sakerra said...

Can I re-post this for a few friends? Or can you let me know who to contact to get permission? I'm kind of in love with this poem.

Insana D said...

Well Sakerra, I'd love to give you that permission but my friend that wrote it got in so much trouble for writing and posting it that he's had to go underground a bit. I had to remove his name and even disguise the topic somewhat in other places where I posted it.

What I think might work is if you posted it with the title somewhat encrypted, "Mormonism, a processed meat like substance". Then let the spam exist within the text.

What happened was that my friend was going through a divorce from a TBM spouse and she was compelling their kids to spy on the father (author). They found one of his posts on a discussion board and then started googling his name and this poem came up. They forwarded it to his bishop who sent it to his SP who then called him in for a court of "Love" for his seditious remarks. It's ok to think such things but if you post them on an internet discussion board then it's considered a breach of loyalty to the church.

What is bizarre is that by excommunicating him for his poem they prove exactly the thing he's suggesting in the poem, that the church is an oppressive unjust regime.

It really embodies the Mormon experience for many of us and for that reason I want this poem to make th erounds in the world of exmormonism. So many can completely relate. It deserves to be seen by others. Just play with the title a bit so it doesn't come up in a Google search.

Gretchen. said...

I'm in love!!!!

Insana D said...

Hey Gretchen, the author of this poem is SINGLE and he's a very romantic and wonderful human being. I could arrange a connection if you are available. He loves hiking and outdoor adventure but is also a very sensitive and tender man in touch with his inner female.

Van Landschoot Blog said...

Can you comment on the Catholic church?

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