Mormonism tastes like Spam. Frankly I don’t give a damn Whether it is testified Lightened, whitened, fixified.
I do not like that Joseph Smith.
I do not like the Mormon Myth.
You will like it, you will see: Fill your bowels with charity. Read the scriptures every day, Fast, pay tithing, always pray. Then you cannot help but know. A still small voice will tell you so.
God must not have heard my prayer.
Or if he did, he didn't care. I didn't hear him on my knees. I didn't feel him in the breeze. In darkest nights, no inner lights, No rescues by the three Nephites. I could not trust that Joseph Smith. I would not buy the Mormon Myth.
They told me that I never tried. God's non-response was justified. I wasn't pure. I wasn't good. I didn't do the things I should. If I were worthy, then I'd see: The Holy Ghost would comfort me.
God loves the soul who contemplates,
Unless, of course, he masturbates,
Or puts weird colors in his hair
Or balks at holy underwear,
Or kids who fib or laugh too loud, Or sometimes want to join the crowd, Or girls who show their midriff skin And cause Aaronic priesthood sin.
Sometimes God gets kind of pissy
At the independent missy Who speaks her mind and doesn’t find A testimony meeting blissy.
God loves meek, he loves the mild. The ones who trust just like a child And give their pennies, pay their tithes, Let the prophets take their wives. God loves everyone, we’re told, Unless they will not fit the mold.
Praise to Joseph in the grove, Searching for the treasure trove. Put his face down in the hat, (Who the hell came up with that?) In the eerie seer stone light, Words came floating into sight, Nephite testimony bearers Quoting later King James errors.
Disregard all other views. Sit your asses in the pews. Pray some, say some, pay some more. Claim to love the three-hour bore. Follow those who chat with God. Firmly grasp the iron rod.
What the fuck? That isn’t right.
I prayed with all my heart and might, Repented fast and fasted slow, Begging God to let me know. Finally I’ve come around, Standing back on solid ground: I do not like that Joseph Smith. I do not like the Mormon myth.
This blog is a pre-cursor to an upcoming book where I chronicle my experiences in the LDS church, interspersed with some well placed essays, parodies, and observations about various cultural aspects of the LDS culture and people. I do not dig into deep doctrinal issues here but offer this as an insider voice to what many creative fun loving people experience while in the LDS church.
This stuff isn't for the devout believers. For those, feel free to go to LDS.org.. They'll charge you 10% of your income. I'm just hoping for a onetime fee of $19.95 from some of you someday when the book becomes available.
Feel free to browse the titles or start in the beginning (February 2010) and read along chronologically. If you aren't having fun, you're doing it wrong.